Practice Makes Perfect
by csidle
Summary: Garrus believes that, besides sniping, he isn't very good at anything. He especially thinks he isn't good enough for Shepard. Can Shepard change his mind? Can a little practice, especially at accepting himself, help Garrus win Shepard's heart? *Not totally Garrus centered, it will be from Shepard's pov as well... Rating for cuss words but no worse then what is in the game*
1. Self Doubt

**Will update and fix things such as italics soon. Posting from the ipad so things aren't working write.**

**Please, please, please review!**

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Garrus was good at many things. He performed well under stress and was a valued team member. He was one hell of a shot, even if he did like to keep things at a distance, and if things did get up close and personal, he was an expert in hand-to-hand combat. And, if Garrus could not do anything else, he could calibrate big guns.

Garrus could admit, however, that there were things he was not good at. He had voiced on many occasions that he was not a very good turian and was not so good at following the rules. He always got hot headed and inpatient with government red tape and tended to act before he thought things through. Garrus, no matter what anyone else said, did not think himself a good leader, after all he had gotten his whole team killed. And everyone would agree that public speaking was not his forte. Sure he could banter back and forth with Tali, talk smack with Jacob, joke with Joker, even trade sniping tips with Thane, but meaningful personal conversation, he just could not find the words. He would stutter, "um", and pause awkwardly especially when a certain red headed commander was around. And if he was not badly mistaken, that was her approaching the forward battery.

"Shepard, need me for something?" He asked without turning around when he heard the hiss of the door open.

_Please say no..._ the little voice in his head chanted.

"You got a minute?"

_Crap..._

"Can it wait? I'm in the middle of some calibrations." He could picture her crossed arms and rolling her eyes as she let out a frustrated sigh.

"I'll let you get back to work." Garrus allowed himself to let out a sigh of relief.

"After you answer a couple of questions."

At that Garrus spun around and stared at her in shock.

Jane Shepard may have been the commander, his superior officer, and as Jack liked to call her, the boss lady, but rarely did she ever push people to talk. She had always been more laid back than most commanding officers and her open door policy gave the crew a sense of comfort that they could and would be listened to if a problem arose. However, at that particular moment Garrus felt anything but reassured as he stood there staring blankly at her. Shepard leaned back against the bulkhead; arms crossed, never breaking eye contact.

_Get a grip Garrus... It's just Shepard... Just answer her questions, don't stutter, and don't say anything stupid... You'll be fine... Oh... And pick your jaw up off the floor... A bug might fly in..._

Snapping him mouth shut, Garrus attempted, and failed miserably, to look at ease.

"Go ahead Shepard, what do you need to know?"

The tension in Shepard's shoulders eased as she relaxed slightly. "Well to start with, when was the last time you ate?"

_See... Easy question... And you were worr-... Wait... Crap... When was the last time you ate?_

Seeing him drawing a blank Shepard turn toward EDI's terminal. "EDI," She barked, "When was the last time Officer Vakarian ate?"

As EDI's blue holographic orb materialized, Garrus cringed.

_Oh you are so fucked... She called you "Officer Vakarian"... _

"Eighteen hours, forty-one minutes, and six-"

Feeling the need to defend himself, Garrus cut her off. "I had a plasmid sandwich just last night!"

"There is no reason to yell Officer Vakarian. I can assure you that my auditory microphones are in top working order. I believe that the Commander wished to know when the last time you ate a nutritious satisfying me-"

"EDI! There was nothing wrong with my-"

Before the two could could really start bickering, Shepard cut them both off with a "Thank you EDI."

Strike one "Officer Vakarian"...

"Next question," she did not even bother addressing Garrus at all this time; she instead turned all of her attention to EDI's terminal. "When was the last time Officer Vakarian slept?"

"Thirty-two hours, fourteen minutes, thirteen-"

_Strike two bird brains..._

Garrus cut her off again outraged. "I nap here and there all the time!"

"Officer Vakarian, the amount of time needed for a turian to descend into a deep sleep-"

"Thank you EDI." Shepard let out a tired sigh. "One last question, when was the last time Garrus Vakarian willingly had a conversation with me?"

EDI was quiet, maybe because she did not know the answer; possibly because she was just ticked that she kept getting interrupted. It was still even more likely that she sensed that here presence was no longer needed so with a quieter than normal, "logging you out Shepard," her soft blue globe disappeared from the battery. Little did Shepard or Garrus realize that she also disabled the cameras and listening devices on her way out.

Shepard just stood there, waiting patiently for Garrus to gather his thoughts and give her an answer.

_Strike three... Your out buddy... Great... Just two more things your not good at...Taking care of yourself and being a good friend... Hell Garrus... Your one of the few people she can trust on this Cerberus infested ship!_

"I'm sorry Shepard. It's just that I... I..." He trailed off.

_You what moron?... Decided that you had a bit of a crush on your commander... That your terrified of embarrassing yourself so you just avoid her... Geez Garrus... Can you not do anything right?..._

Garrus felt like banging his head against the bulkhead. It seemed like all he wanted to do was run and hide. How could he ever tell the great Commander Jane Shepard how he felt? And more over how could Shepard ever feel the same way back? He was nothing but a head strong sorry excuse for a turian.

Turian, that was another thing. Would she not prefer a human boyfriend? He did not even have his looks anymore, not that she would have found him the least bit attractive anyways, and that did not even cover the whole biology problem! He had done some research and to his horror he discovered that most humans were allergic to turians. Like that was not enough, if they were not allergic, the sharp angles of turian plating would cut a soft skinned human to shreds. After he had analyzed everything he had discovered, Garrus had came to the conclusion that there was no way in hell he deserved her. He had no money, no real job, no home to speak of, no wealth, no property, not even the chance to bring her pleasure much less children someday.

"Hey..."

Her movement startled him out of his morbid thoughts. As she stepped up to him, she gently placed a hand on his scarred cheek.

"Garrus," she said softly, "talk to me. Tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

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**To be continued**

**Please R&R (read and review)**


	2. New Discoveries

**Ok a little back tracking and not a lot of dialog... this chapters is more about Shepard's take on all that has happened to her and her discovering new feelings towards Garrus.**

**Oh and too the guest who reviewed correcting my grammar... Thank you! You weren't nagging in the least! Please by all means tell me of my mistakes and I'll try to fix them... every little bits helps me become a better writer!**

**Again I own nothing ... If I did I wouldn't be up to my eyeballs in college debt as well as we would have gotten to see more of the Garrus/Shepard sex scene!**

**and as always my lovely ducks please R&R **

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_Her movement startled him out of his morbid thoughts. As she stepped up to him, she gently placed a hand on his scarred cheek. _

_"__Garrus," she said softly, "talk to me. Tell me what's going on in that head of yours."_

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She had never been very good at things such as this. Building and maintaining relationships had been hard for her. Sure she had had friends as a child but those relationships either died or became strained with age. Over time couples paired off, clicks were formed, and rivalries took center stage. Being an orphan and running with the Reds had not exactly helped either. She had not learned to trust anyone without fear of being stabbed in the back, both figuratively and literally, until she joined the Navy and Anderson had taken her under his wing. Even then she had trusted her fellow soldiers with having her back but never in any other aspect of her life.

That was probably why she emotionally survived Akuze. They had been her team, fellow soldiers, allies, her "friends" even, but never once did she consider any of them true friends that she was particularly close to. Sure they were her "friends" while they needed her, but she never trusted them not to leave, not to stab her in the back off the battle field, not to go off and die on her.

Ah, there it was, the real problem. Jane Shepard's real problem was that she was scared. She was scared of loosing those close to her. Loss, that was the one constant in her life. Her parents had either died, did not want her, or could not keep her, but, no matter the situation, their absence was a palpable pain in her heart. She had lost Lilly, the closest thing to a true childhood friend to the gangs. And though they had not known each other more then a few months, Lilly's untimely death had hurt beyond measure. Mrs. Cartwright, the kind elderly librarian that let her stay among the shelves on cold rainy nights, brought her food, and watched out for her was taken from her by a rare and non-treatable cancer. And there had been others before Akuze, fellow soldiers she had lost along the way. Each of her fellow soldiers' deaths had hurt, but not as much as it could have.

So there it is, the ugly truth for all the world to see. Commander Jane Shepard, first human spectre, savior of the Citadel was afraid that if she got to close, cared to much, or dared to love she would loose everything.

Love, that was another topic that ate at her, and it had all linked back to her trust issues. She could and would trusted people. She trusted her team to have her back in a fight. She trusted her crew, even the Cerberus ones, to do their jobs and do it right. She trusted a lot of people in a lot of different ways. She trusted Ashley to get past her Xenophobia on the SR1. She trusted Joker not to crash them on some desolate planet, Tali to keep the Normandy flying, Ms. Gotto to not steal them dry, even trusted Grunt to not kill anyone or anything, though she must admit that last one was a bit of a challenge. But as much as she could, would, or even wanted to trust people, she had never ever trusted anyone with her heart.

Until Kaidan.

He had wormed his way into her heart with soft spoken words. He had proven himself loyal on every mission. And he had proven himself a kind and excellent lover the night before llios.

Then she died.

She did not mean to. But whether she wanted to believe it or not, her team had became important to her and she WAS NOT going to loose her pilot.

So instead, she lost the ship that had became not only home but her safe haven, and her life.

When she woke up on that Cerberus table, she had lost two years. She might have gotten back her ship, her pilot, and her life, but she had lost a crew she trusted, the support of the Alliance (though she was not sure she ever had it in the first place), and the one and only man she loved.

And then she lost him again on Horizon.

The only thing that had gotten her though it all had been Garrus. Finding him in that hell hole that was Omega had been the biggest blessing she had experienced in her life. When she saw him take off that helment she wanted to run to him, hug him, feel that he was real. She had even gotten her arms spread to do just that when she thought about the two Cerberus officers behind her.

She was afraid for a moment that she had lost him as soon as she had found him. Not physically, it was him, he was there in front of her, but mentally and emotionally. He had looked older and worn down. There was less drive, less of that youthful optimism, less of that playful sparkle in his eyes. And all of a sudden he was not the aspiring C-Sec officer she had met in the wards. He was not the playful mechanic that she used to shoot the bull with under the Mako, or the young bad ass sniper that made fun of her driving or challenged her head shot count.

And for a moment Jane's world had come crashing down. Her chest tightened and she could not breath. All of her losses paled in comparison to, not even loosing him figuratively or physically, but loosing him in anyway.

_Please..._

She silently begged to God, The Goddess, the Spirits, anyone that would answer her plea.

_Please, please give me a sign that it's him, and that I am not talking to the shell of the man l once knew... _

And there it was, in the way that cocked his head, the way his mandibles flared, the way he awkwardly scratch the back of his neck when he said his name was just Garrus to her. And she could breath again. It was in the he held his rifle and the way clapped her shoulder and said it will be just like old times that her world not only became whole again but brighter.

_GARRUS!_

She closed her eyes to the memory.

She had nearly lost him a second time. There had been so much blood. She had screamed, she had cried, she prayed and she knew her heart was breaking.

It was not until much later, after Horizon, that she realized that in that moment, that one horrible moment, the moment she saw that rocket hit his face, the moment he hit the ground, her heart had broken more than in any other moment in her life. Every thing, every loss paled in comparison.

Even loosing Kaidan a second time.

It was while standing in the doorway of her cabin that she realized just how much she cared for him. Wrapped up in Garrus's arms only a week after Kaidan chose the Alliance over her, while she cried. In all her life she had only cried twice in the presence of others. The first when he took a rocket to his face. The second with him rocking her shaking body as she sobbed in her doorway. He probably thought she was crying over Kadian's betrayal, and she was, but she was crying over so much more. That night she had cried for everything she had lost. However, she cried even harder for all that she had. She had the Normandy back, some of her team was still there, she had her life back, and she had Garrus.

Garrus, only Garrus would have known how much Kadian's choice had hurt her. Only he would have known to come check on her. He had always watched her back without question. He had always been there to pick her up, make her laugh, even put her in her place when she needed an ego check. He had never let her down, had never turned his back on her. Sure he had been startled, confused, and even a little shaken up to see her alive, but he still trusted her to have his back as much as he still had hers. He had questioned her ties to Cerberus, but in the end he had said he would follow her in to hell and any where else she might go.

And he, above all, had never left her. Even when he went back to C-Sec he had not been absent from her life. Every time he got the chance he would message her, ask her how she was, when she was going to be on the Citadel so they could catch up. It was a fact that on any mission they took on could be their last, but she knew, somewhere deep in her heart that he would never leave her of his own free will. That night she had cried he never once left her side. Even when she had fallen into a deep sleep, tear stained face softly lit by her sad empty fish tanks, he stayed.

They had never talked about that night, both trusting that if the other needed something they would seek the other out.

Or so she thought.

Something was definitely wrong with Garrus. He avoided her like the plague. And when she did get him to speak to her he seemed nervous, twitchy, and evasive. He had thrown himself into his work. The Normandy had never been so completely calibrated before, which was not necessarily a bad thing. However, when EDI had alerted Chakwas to the fact he was not eating and barely slept, as was her job, the doc had a few words for him. She prescribed him a sleep aid and ordered him to eat in a way only a scolding mother could. The good doctor also had to inform the commander that she prescribed the sleep aid, as was protocol because it may have hindered performance in field.

That was the final straw for Shepard. She had to find out what was wrong with him. She might not had been ready to trust him with her heart just yet, but he was her only true friend in that screwed up galaxy.

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	3. Addressing the Problem

**I'm sorry... were're still stuck on this scene... longer chapter though and I promise it will pick up and not be so repetitive next chapter**

**One again I don't own squat... =(**

**AND PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!**

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_That was the final straw for Shepard. She had to find out what was wrong with him. She might not have been ready to trust him with her heart just yet, but he was her only true friend in this screwed up galaxy._

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So against her better judgment, she decided to go down and have a talk with partner in crime. No Shepard without Vakarian she had once said and right now Vakarian was out of commission until he talked to her and followed the good doctor's orders.

She nodded to Chakwas as she passed the medical bay windows, and only hesitated for a split second before she stepped into the forward battery.

"Shepard, need me for something?" He asked without turning around.

_At least he spoke to me.._.

"You got a minute?" She asked already knowing the answer.

"_Can it wait? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."_

"Can it wait? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

_This is getting really old really fast… Bet I could get answers quicker out of Grunt at this point._

The thought both saddened and angered her. Here he was supposed to be her friend, her confidant, and her other half. At least she felt like he was the better piece of her, the part that made her complete. Not that she could tell him that.

_He'd probably be on the first boat back to Palivan… Well second boat…_

The thought crossed her mind as she leaned against the bulkhead; crossing her arms and rolling her eyes, she let out a frustrated sigh. As much as she wanted to tell him, she knew that she would scare him off. Or worse he would feel the same way. If he felt the same way she would eventually lose him, and she did not think she would ever recover from Garrus Vakarian if that were to happen. They were not even in that kind of relationship, but she knew she would never be as close or feel the same about anyone else.

One thing she was sure of, however, was that Garrus would never abandon her or this mission. Maybe after the mission he would haul tail and leave her but not a second before. However, she was not quite ready to test that theory.

"I'll let you get back to work."

She smirked at his sigh of relief.

_Not this time buster… You will talk to me today… If not as my friend then as my subordinate…_

She hated thinking about Garrus as a subordinate, but throughout her military career she had learned that sometimes you have to throw your weight as well as your rank and title around to get results.

_If only it worked on Udina… _

She stopped herself from letting out a frustrated sign. Now was not to the time to go off on that pain in her ass.

If anything she may have been the _Commander_ but they all worked as equal parts of a team, and if Chakwas and EDI was right about his eating and sleeping habits, and they usually were, Garrus was putting the _team_ at risk.

"After you answer a couple of questions."

At that Garrus spun around and stared at her in shock as she leaned back against the bulkhead; arms crossed, never breaking eye contact.

_Is he really that shocked that I have questions?... That I wouldn't notice something was wrong and out of place… Come on Garrus I thought you knew me better than that…_

He audibly snapped his mouth shut, causing Shepard to cringe slightly. If he had noticed her quick flinch he did not voice it. Instead he shuffled his feet, rubbed the back of his neck, and looked as if he was attempting, and failing miserably, to look at ease.

"Go ahead Shepard; what do you need to know?"

The tension in Shepard's shoulders relaxed slightly.

_At least he's looking at me now… though he still looks like he could bolt at any second…_

Without even realizing it Jane moved between him and the door. It was a subconscious move she had honed over her many years of service and apparently dying and being rebuilt by Cerberus had not damped her instincts. It was a subtle move she used when dealing with criminals waiting for an opening to run (she really hated it when they ran, it usually ended up with her having to shoot them) but it was also a move she often used when dealing with traumatized and scarred victims, like Talitha.

_Don't get to close or crowd them… might make them do something you'll both regret… but don't allow them the opportunity to run… if they get away they're both a danger to themselves, you, and to others… there is no worse situation then having to shoot an innocent that no longer has control of their body, mind, or actions…_

Lessons from Dr. Cochran's _Recovery and Treatment of Former Hostages_ class at the academy came flooding back. It was one of the few theory classes that she had found most helpful when on missions as well as with handling some of her crew.

"Well to start with, when was the last time you ate?"

She really did not mean to snap but between frustration and lack of answers as well as her worry for his health and well-being, she was not in the mood to play.

Seeing him drawing a blank Shepard turn toward EDI's terminal, "EDI," She barked, "When was the last time Officer Vakarian ate?"

As EDI's blue holographic orb materialized she noticed Garrus cringe.

_Ok maybe I am being a little harsh… Don't want to send him into a panic attack… _

"Eighteen hours, forty-one minutes, and six-"

Garrus cut her off. "I had a plasmid sandwich just last night!"

_What the hell is a plasmid sandwich? … It doesn't even sound healthy… or appetizing…_

"There is no reason to yell Officer Vakarian. I can assure you that my auditory microphones are in top working order. I believe that the Commander wished to know when the last time you ate a nutritious satisfying me-"

"EDI! There was nothing wrong with my-"

Before the two could really start bickering, Shepard cut them both off with a "Thank you EDI."

_Strike one "Officer Vakarian"..._

She mentally held up a finger

"Next question," she did not bother addressing Garrus at all this time; she instead turned all of her attention to EDI's terminal. "When was the last time Officer Vakarian slept?"

"Thirty-two hours, fourteen minutes, thirteen-"

_Strike two..._

Garrus cut EDI off again outraged. "I nap here and there all the time!"

"Officer Vakarian, the amount of time needed for a turian to descend into a deep sleep-"

_This is getting us nowhere…_

"Thank you EDI." Jane let out a tired sigh. "One last question, when was the last time Garrus Vakarian willingly had a conversation with me?"

_Strike three… You're out…_

EDI was quiet, and with a less authoritative than normal, "logging you out Shepard," her soft blue globe disappeared from the battery; for witch Jane was especially grateful for.

She just stood there, waiting patiently for Garrus to gather his thoughts and give her an answer.

He looked miserable. He looked like he had lost his best friend, or like someone had killed his dog or something.

_Do they have dogs on Palivan? … _

Her stance softened as she watched him shuffle his feet. Jane had always thought it was ironic that her bad ass sniper got so nervous. She found it quite endearing actually that her steadfast "give them hell" vigilantly had a soft side.

It was one of the many things she loved about him.

"I'm sorry Shepard. It's just that I... I..." He trailed off.

He stuttered and she felt her heart break.

_Here he is apologizing to me… I should be the one apologizing… I should have spoken to him sooner… I should have…_

Jane knew she could not blame herself anymore then she could blame Garrus. She did not even know what was wrong and yet just seeing how miserable he was and she knew there was no way he wanted to feel the way he did.

_Whatever is wrong must be bad… that or he doesn't see a way out or anyway to fix it… _

She knew he had problems. Hell, everyone on this boat had problems, and not just your run of the mill problems either. Not to mention the people themselves. It was a known fact that all of them should be admitted to the loony bin, that's probably why the Illusive Man put Kelly on board with them. It seemed Shepard attracted bonafide crazy people.

She mentally ran down the list.

_Ashley the Xenophobe… Kaidan's childhood and implants… Joker's legs… and his loss of the Normandy… Liara's indoctrinated mother… Wrex… well all Krogan have that problem… Thane's illness, the loss of his wife, and son issues… Samara's daughter… Miranda's father and sister… Jacob's father…_

For a second there Jane was almost glad she did not have parents or kids, almost.

_Mordan's guilt… I'm assuming he feels guilty because of the genophage… Tali's treason charges… Zaeed… Not going there… Jack… And I'm not touching that one with a ten foot pole… _

This was not to say she should not be admitted to the crazy hospital too, not by a long shot. Between losing her team on her Akuze, dying, and being brought back to life by a terrorist organization, OH, and having to save the entire galaxy made her screwed up childhood, her trust issues, her relationship issues, and Udina issues look like a walk in the park.

And then there was Garrus

Garrus had had his share of hardships; that was a fact she knew and knew well. He had on several occasions he had stressed that he was not a good Turian, whatever that meant, as well as it could be assumed that he and his father were not on good speaking terms. Jane knew his mother was deathly ill and that there were not any know cures at this time. She also knew he had a sister and that she was taking his mother's health hard, especially without her brother around. Leaving C-Sec with her in her hunt for Saren had strained his family ties even more, especially with his father. She could only imagine what pain her death had caused him. And as for being on Omega, Lord, she did not even pretend to understand the pain he went through when he lost his team. Shepard had lost her own team on Akuze, but that had been circumstance and not because of a betrayal. To add insult to injury there was the rocked to the face, new implants, and her not giving him a shot at Sidonis…

_Oh… _

It had not even been a week since that screwed up situation, and they had not exactly talked about it either.

_Well he can't stay mad at me forever…_

She softened even more. He did not deserve her being an ass when he had went through so much. It seemed almost natural now that she thought about it. She had gone through something similar. The loss of appetite, the lack of sleep (though she still did not sleep as much as she should what with Prothean visions as well as being spaced nightmares).

_Guess dying will do that too you…_

Throwing yourself into your work to forget.

"Hey…"

Her movement startled him out of his morbid thoughts. As she stepped up to him, she gently placed a hand on his scarred cheek.

"Garrus," she said softly, "talk to me. Tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

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**Don't Forget to Review PLEASE! Reviews make me happy and write new chapters quicker!**

**I know it's not moving fast but it will start picking up next chapter... I just felt that these first 3 chapters were a necessary evil. Just to give my Shepard some background and how everyone is feeling.**


	4. His Archangel

**Yes Yes I know It's at a stand still ... It's just like I told ****Musicalrain (SEE I TOLD YOU) that if I make plans (LIKE TO SPEED THIS THING UP) The story drives it in a whole nother direction! **

**We would have got past this scene already if I hadn't wanted to keep the chapters close to the same length. So I will be posting chapters back to back, like almost everyday, until we get past this background boring, scene! **

**The next chapter is already half way done (since I chopped this one in half) and will be posted later tonight or in the morning... unless I decide to be mean because nobody reviewed... _ ... I wouldn't do that! o.o**

**BUT PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW !**

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_Her movement startled him out of his morbid thoughts. As she stepped up to him, she gently placed a hand on his scarred cheek._

_"Garrus," she said softly, "talk to me. Tell me what's going on in that head of yours."_

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Shepard hand drifted down under his mandibles and with a gentle nudge brought his eyes up to hers.

When his eyes met hers, she was struck with the emotion she saw there. Pain and anger she expected but fear was something new.

_What does he have to be frightened of? … I mean besides going on a suicide mission… he's never hesitated or expressed concern before… Maybe it has to do with Sidonis living… Maybe he thinks Sidonis will get others killed… or maybe it's the fear and guilt of not being sure you did the right thing… _

"Does this have something to do with Sidonis?"

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"Does this have something to do with Sidonis?"

_Sidonis?…_

He had almost missed her question. She had spoken so quietly, so tenderly, that he felt a swell of emotion for the young women in front of him.

When she had startled him out of his thoughts not minutes ago it was all he could do not to nuzzle into her hand, not to crush her to him, hold her tight and never let her go. He was sure it was written all over his face and if another Turian had been there, he was sure he would have been called out on his sub-harmonics that were screaming of love, adoration, and fear.

_Thank the Spirits humans can't understand our sub-harmonics! … Actually if they did I have a feeling this would be a lot easier … or better yet if they used them as well!... _

Fear overwhelmed him. What if she noticed, what if she hated him, what if she was disgusted that a Turian loved her.

Yep, he loved her. It was a shock he did not notice it earlier. At that realization he, once again, had the urge to bang his head against the bulkhead.

Love! He just had to go and fall in love with her! If it was only a crush he could have kept avoiding her, waited till we got to the Citadel, bought an Asari lap dance, and been home free, but now, because he knew he loved her, there neither would nor could be anyone other than her; which meant there would be no getting over her and avoiding her was not an option. After all he could not avoid her forever. It would kill him as well as destroy their friendship, and Garrus was not ready to die of anything other than embarrassment at the moment.

_And here I thought this couldn't get any worse…_

It was then he noticed the fear and self-doubt displayed in her eyes.

_Great going Vakarian… Now she thinks you're mad at her…_ _ Come on be a man… Turian… Whatever… Open that big mouth of yours and do something right for once…_

"N-No! It's got nothing to do with Sidonis!" He looked up at her again with surprise.

If anything he was grateful to her for stopping him. He knew she hated vengeful unnecessary killings. Killing Sidonis would have been wrong. However, a sick, selfish part of him was happy that he would not have to look at the disappointment in her face. Still, he had wanted revenge and would have gone through with it if it had not been for her.

_I can only imagine how disappointed in me she is… If it weren't for her… _

He could acknowledge that she kept him flying straight and true. She was right when she said that he was not himself when he went to Citadel that day. She knew him better then he knew himself and that scared him. Mainly because it begged the question, if Shepard was not there to guide him, how would he know who he really was? After all look what happened after she had died.

Garrus cringed as the memories came flooding back. That had to have been the darkest time in his life.

Leaving the Normandy after Sovereign and Saren had been hard, but Shepard had given him a new hope and a new drive not only to rejoin C-Sec but also to reapply for Spectre training, much to his father's disgust.

Telling his father that he was going to reapply was as just as scary if not more so then facing down Saren. Needless to say the Senior Vakarian had not been amused in the least. He had accused Shepard of leading him down a dark dangerous path, insulted the Spectre, and belittled all they had fought for. It reminded Garrus of a human saying he had heard long before meeting the red headed commander. A saying he had not truly understand was a cross species phenomenon until that night sitting across from his father.

_People who are so firmly rooted in their own delusional realities and misguided beliefs, will never acknowledge or believe, even if seen through their own eyes, to be the truth; for whatever they see will forever be shadowed and obscured by rose colored glasses._

The ironic thing had been that he and his father had been sitting in the Noodle House overlooking the rebuilding and repair of the Citadel. How did his father think all the damage happened? Could the man really be that blind? Garrus had said some things that night that he truly wanted to forget. However, that did not mean he had meant any of it any less. He had defended Shepard, the Spectres, and humans alike. He had defended his choice to leave C-Sec and follow his commander. He had even at one point, much to his own surprise, defended Saren; after all, the Turian spectre did kill himself for the betterment of the galaxy.

He had also not spoken with his father since that night.

Little did Garrus know how right his father had been, he might have at least stayed long enough to finish his Quarian Pasta Plate. Not right in the sense of reapplying to become a spectre, but of his righteous switch from C-Sec officer and potential spectre candidate to Omega's Archangel.

The only thing that had kept him from running back to the Normandy, in spite of his father, was his need to make _his _commander proud. Shepard's faith in him gave him the push he needed to really apply himself. For the first time in his life he felt he had everything to succeed. He had felt not only the drive but also the self-confidence to succeed. If Shepard had faith in him, it meant she truly thought he could become whatever he wanted to be. She had given him to key to escaping his father's shadow. It did not matter to Garrus that his father was not proud of him. Well, it did a little, but not near as much as it once had. He was his own person and saw himself as such.

Then she died.

They had talked via the extranet practically every day. They had joked and he had even invited her out on her next stop to the Citadel.

_Vakarian, did you just ask me out on a date? –S_

He blushed blue.

_Nope just two old partners in crime grabbing a drink and catching up. Why, did you want it to be a date? –G _

He smirked as he pictured her face.

_Just making sure you hadn't lost your Turian mind! –S_

He just chuckled. Of all the awkward things he said, Shepard had made it a point to not embarrass or tease him about it, much to Tali's dismay. Tali loved to tease him and reminded him of his sister Solana.

_It's a date then! –G_

_I thought you just sai-_

Garrus looked at his omni tool in puzzlement before shrugging.

_Probably accidently hit send then got busy…_

It was a week later before he got the news of the Normandy's destruction. Anderson had called requesting that he come immediately to the docking bay. He had met Garrus outside and explained what happened and that he did not yet know if there were any casualties or who those casualties involved.

"_The escape pods just arrived. Medical staff is already stationed waiting. Their prepared for the worst Garrus, and I'm sorry. I thought you should be here though, Shepard always spoke very highly of you and you are still a part of her team."_

Garrus had stood there in shock and at least waited for Anderson to finish speaking before he mowed him down and ran into the bay.

He did not remember much after that. He had run into the bay with one person in mind.

_Where's Shepard… Where's Jane…_

There were only a hand full of times Garrus had ever thought of Shepard as a women and not his commander. Well, a human hand full, so five times to be exact. The first was searching for her amongst the Normandy Crew, the three were on Omega.

He did not go to her funeral. He could not handle the thought of the empty casket. They had not found her body the official had said. The man had also said she had been spaced and she had been pulled into Alchera's atmosphere along with the rubble of the Normandy.

The thought of going to Alchera had crossed his mind but he could not risk it. She was still alive in him, in his actions, in his mind and his heart. Confirming her death would be confirming his as well. No, he would not risk the pain nor would he go on a futile search. She would not have wanted that.

She would not have wanted him to end up on Omega either, however that is where he found himself.

He had thought of her all the time. He thought of her while on recruiting his team; trying to see in them what she had seen in him. He thought of her while on missions as he tried to act in ways that would not only honor her memory but would make her proud of him. He thought of her so much that he would have sworn that he heard her voice, that she spoke to him, guided him, and encouraged him.

Some would have called him crazy, others would have called him insane, but the thought of her was a comfort.

Until Sidonis betrayed him.

He hated Sidonis for many things, but he hated himself for more. Sidonis might have betrayed him and his team; he might have gotten ten good men killed, however, ultimately, it was Garrus's fault. If Garrus had not been so trusting, not so willing to see them for what they really could be, not so willing to see the good in people in the way Shepard had they might still be alive.

That was the reason he had wanted vengeance on Sidonis. It had not really been about the betrayal as much as it had been about confirming that Shepard was in fact wrong, that he had had a right to doubt her. That he, Garrus Vakarian, had not lost his faith in his commander, his friend, and his personal hero for no reason. It was the guilt that he questioned her and her teachings.

But, he also needed, craved, and desired the knowledge that Shepard had not led him astray.

"_Jane…"_

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	5. Guilt, Redemption, and Friends

**BA HA HA HA ! I'm so proud of myself! I not only got Shepard and Garrus out of the Battery... But I created a small mutiny out to make Garrus eat... and a third persons POV on the situation...**

**And possibly caught the Normandy on fire by letting Shepard cook... O.O ... OOPS...**

**A little bit more fluff and less of that depressing stuff! Oh and I merged a lot of thoughts, memories, and past events in here and they are all in italics so if it is confusing or you can suggest a better way to lay it out please let me know!**

**As always**

**I don't own squat...**

**AND**

**PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! I only am to please you fine readers and if you don't let me know how I'm doing or what you think... I'm afraid I am forever doomed to write stories no one likes so...**

**PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!**

* * *

_But, he also needed, craved, and desired the knowledge that Shepard had not led him astray._

"_Jane…"_

* * *

He had muttered once into the darkness of that rooftop when he truly thought he was going to die of a bullet, tiredness, or starvation.

_"Jane..."_

He had whispered once more when he saw her through his scope, thinking she was his Valkyrie coming to take him to the afterworld.

He had in that moment, for the first time in a long while, felt some comfort. If he was going to die, at least she would be the last thing he would see in this world and the first face he would see in the next.

When he was hit by the rocket, he awaited the darkness with a sense of peace. He had seen her again and she was alive. He could rest now knowing she was safe.

_GARRUS!_

She screamed his name and the awaiting darkness lost its appeal, and her voice brought him back.

_Fight Vakarian… Don't you leave me… Don't you dare leave me now..._

Her voice in his head was just a loud as the voice crying in his ear.

Both voices however were ordering him to fight and he would never disobey an order from his commander. He would never disobey and order from his

_Jane…_

She had never once let him down.

In the end she had once again saved him, proving her worth to him just as always; first as his Valkyrie rescuing him from the roof top on Omega, and then again by standing in his cross hairs.

And for that he hated himself. How had he let it get that far? Did he really need to kill the empty shell of a Turian that Sidonis came to be in order to live with the guilt that he doubted her?

_Jane…_

The last time he uttered her name had been in utter defeat.

For a split second he had been so focused on shooting Sidonis that he had nearly shot threw her, his savior.

_Why isn't she moving? … I can get him… She'll only be grazed… Unless she moves then…_

He felt nauseous as he jumped back. Taking a breath and looking through his scope to make sure he had not done the unthinkable. He told her to let Sidonis go, knowing that killing him would do nothing for his guilt, nothing to bring his team back, and absolutely nothing to absolve the sin of nearly shooting Jane Shepard.

He was still, a week later, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that he loved his commander, and he had nearly shot her.

_How would she react if she knew? … _

She sighed in relief and he relaxed some.

_Had she really been that worried that I've been acting funny because of Sidonis? … _

Knowing that he had screwed up and that he had worried her caused him to fidget. Feeling the need to reassure her farther and alleviate himself of some of his guilt, he shuffled a little closer.

"Actually," he said, rubbing the back of his neck, "I'm glad you stopped me, and, uh, you were right."

She glowed at the praise, and he felt on top of the world. Her smirk at being told she was right was endearing to him and caused him to let out a turian chuckle.

At his laugh she cocked an eyebrow and propped a hand on her hip. Doing her best "Superior Cheerleader Miranda" impression, which he had only seen one other time, and it had involved him, Shepard, Tali, and a whole lot of alcohol. Tali had even gotten Shepard to flip her... that stuff on top of her head.

_Hair l think it's called..._

Garrus was quite fascinated with that stuff. It was red, a rare color so he was told. It was long, shiny, and looked soft.

_Soft as Asari silk I bet…_

He fisted his hand to keep himself from running a taloned hand through it just to see if it was as silky as it looked.

Another thing that fascinated him was the way she would tie it up. Sometimes, the way she would arrange it looked down right painful.

_The extranet said it doesn't have nerve endings… Curious… _

He liked it the most, however, when it was dow-

"Well if it's not Sidonis," her smile dropped, and Garrus was brought back from his musings, "what's wrong?"

* * *

"Well if it's not Sidonis," her smile dropped. Garrus looked up at her and winced, "what's wrong?"

She was even more confused now. If his weird behavior was not related to Omega or Sidonis, then why was he not sleeping or eating and why was he avoiding her like Kelly avoided talking about the Scale Itch?

"I... uh…"

Garrus once again lowered his gaze to the floor, flexing his hands in an attempt to keep from rubbing at his neck.

_He's not going to talk… And all I'm doing is pushing him farther away… Which is the last thing I want or need to do… We've made progress… He's talked to me… I even got him to laugh…_

Not laugh, more like chuckle, but she was not being picky. She was just happy their relationship seemed just a little bit closer to normal.

"Come on big guy." She grabbed his clawed hand and half lead half drug him through the door, down the corridor, and into the mess. He seemed reluctant to follow her at first, lightly tugging his hand back. However, when he realized he did not have a choice, he followed along just a few steps behind.

The mess was quiet. It was late and everyone, except for the few unlucky mates on the night shift, was asleep. Even Chakwas had turned in giving the dimly lit med bay a haunted look. There was, however, a lone soul inhabiting the deserted kitchen. Her purple blue clouded mask obscuring her worried face as she cooked up every dextrose dish she knew in the hope that the commander would somehow manage to finally drag that stubborn Turian out of the Forward Battery.

_If anyone can manage it she can…_

Tali had been worried about her Turian comrade for a while now. On several occasions she had invited the only other dextrose on the Normandy out, but had been repeatedly turned down.

_Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations._

"Bosh'tet!"

She swore under her breath. She did not know what was wrong with Garrus but knew it had something to do with Shepard.

_Maybe he had finally figured out how he feels..._ _Ever since that whole thing with Sidonis…_

She shook her head. Who was she kidding? It had started way before Sidonis.

_Those two have been dancing around each other since the SR1… Wonder if Joker knows… Or Kelly…_

The thought brought a smile to her face. If Joker and/or Kelly knew then whole ship would know. She was also pretty sure everyone already knew about those two except for, well those two.

Honestly, she was worried at first. They were both her very good friends and she had concerned that if they had gotten together and it had not work out that the whole dynamic of the ship as well as her friendship with both would be compromised.

Ok, she might have had an itty bitty crush on Garrus at the time.

_But come on with that voice?_ … _Girl would have to be deaf to not be attracted to that…_

She was pretty sure the Cerberus psychologist had taken noticed as well as Dr. Michel.

_Sending him chocolate… The nerve of that woman…_

However, Garrus had been a flight of fancy for her to be replaced with Kal'Reeger, and the more she saw Garrus and the commander together the more she knew that they were a perfect fit. Shepard needed someone she could trust and Garrus needed someone who could make him feel worth something.

_No Shepard without Vakarian…_

And it was true.

Garrus Vakarian had been just a shell of his former self without Shepard. The one time she had seen Garrus after Shepard's death on the Citadel after the Normandy exploded had proven that.

Anderson had hailed her as well and she was there when Garrus had mowed over the Counselor and tore the loading dock apart. He had gone through each and every escape pod leaving chaos in his wake. It was almost as though he thought Shepard was hiding from him and he had felt the need to check under every seat, behind consoles, ripping out wires, shredding the fabric of the uncomfortable cushions that lined the fiberglass benches.

"_She's gone Garrus."_

Tali had said solemnly when the distressed Turian had come down from his destructive high.

"_Don't say that Tali."_

He looked utterly defeated, sliding down the wall of the last escape pod, head in hands.

She would have sworn he was crying. His body shook and there was a tremor in his deep double pitch voice.

"_Did you find out what happened?"_

She had talked to the crew, found out what happened, tried her hardest to keep everyone out of Garrus's rampaging path. She had thought Shepard would have been proud that she had managed not to fall apart when she was needed the most. There would be time for her mental breakdown later in the privacy of her enviro pod after she had done all she could here.

She smiled.

"_Have you ever tried to wipe your nose while wearing an enviro suit Shepard?_

Tali had once asked. Wrex had been doing a wonderful impression of Garrus. Garrus had not been amused which had made it all that much funnier. She and Shepard were lying on the floor; beers still in hand laughing so hard tears were streaming out their eyes.

"_Can't say I have."_

"_Well, it's not as easy as you might think."_

And at that they both collapsed into another fit of giggles while Wrex and Garrus looked on in amusement.

No, breakdown could wait.

"_Garrus," _She sat down next to him, _"Garrus, she died saving the crew, saving Joker."_

"_She's not dead,"_ He shook his head in disbelief, _"she can't be."_

"_Commander Shepard might have been many things Garrus, but in the end she was only human."_

"_No she's not."_

She did not know if he was saying she was any more or any less than human or if he was refuting the fact she was dead. She tried to ask him as he shrugged off her hand which was lying delicately on his shoulder in a distinctly comforting manner. He rose and stormed past her on his way out of the loading bay and out of her life.

He had become like a big brother to her. They had bonded over food, being the only two dextroses aboard, as well as the only ones with three fingers on each hand and three toes on each foot.

_"How do they walk on those things? You'd think they would fall with the way their knees bend!" _

Garrus sipped his beer looking out onto the dance floor of Flux.

_"Want me to show you Vakarian?"_

The commander got up and attempted to dance next to the booth the three were sat at.

_"You call that dancing?"_

_"I haven't fallen over yet!"_

Tali, still caught up in her own musings, did not notice Shepard's poor excuse for dancing.

_"I'm more shocked at how their hands work. Do you really need all those fingers? And how can they stomach those things... hog dogs?"_

The drunken Quarian slurred.

_"Tali, its HOT dogs."_

_"Whatever Garrus, I just don't see how they can eat their pets! I mean you don't see me eating varrien do you?"_

Shepard corked an eyebrow as she sat back down on the other side of Garrus and across from her.

_"You have a pet varrien? On a fleet ship full of immune deficient Quarians?"_

The three had been close but she knew Garrus was closer to Shepard than to her and that he had taken her death harder than anyone, aside from possibly Joker. During the long two year period she had returned to the fleet, her thoughts had not strayed far from her two best friends. She tried to act in accordance to how Shepard had taught her and she prayed that, wherever he was, Garrus was safe.

Now that they were all back on the Normandy, Tali had only assumed that things would go back to normal.

_Suicide mission… Cerberus crew… An AI… Tank bred Krogan… Mad scientist… Convicted felon… A commander brought back from the dead roaming the halls… Well… Ok… Nowhere close to normal…_

Well as normal as can be expected. At least her friendship with Garrus and Shepard she expected to go back to the way it was before, and in many ways it had. Shepard always took Garrus out every mission and Tali out on just about every other one. There was more to do now on the Cerberus vessel so she stayed busy. Garrus had gone back to teasing her like a sister. Of course it had started with an apology for not staying in touch better, but Tali knew what he had meant.

The differences had mainly been between the commander and her Turian partner. There was almost an awkward tension between them. They rarely spoke to each other outside of combat, and when they did it was short, sweet, and to the point. Tali for the life of her could not get them in the same room for any length of time without one or the other making a very hasty exit, especially when the alcohol started loosening their tongues. She knew their feelings for one another ran deep. How deep, though, she was not quite sure.

Noticing that Garrus had neither eaten nor slept clued her in that something was wrong. And being the caring Quarian she was, she might have sent Chakwas an anonymous tip via EDI expressing her worries.

_I still don't like the AI… But she is growing on me just a tad… _

She did this knowing that sleep aids would probably be recommended and that Shepard would have to be informed. And if one thing was sure, Shepard, no matter what odd relationship problems were going on, would never let the health of her crew go treated. I just was neither in her nature nor in the team's best interest.

Another thing Tali knew was that Shepard could not cook to save her life, and if she could not be trusted with her own species food there was no way Tali was going to let her cook a dextrose meal.

_I want Garrus better not dead … Or laid up with food poisoning either..._

So before Chakwas turned in, she might have sent an anonymous message to Tali saying that the commander was trying to lure out the illusive Turian that was hiding out in the Forward Battery and it might be a good idea if she came up from Engineering and fixed a little something.

Or at least bring up some extra fire extinguishers.

"Come on big guy."

Shepard's voice roused Tali from her thoughts.

Switching off the eye of the stove she placed the grilled cheese sandwich on a plate and sitting it on the counter before making a mad dash to the elevator, leaving behind a large array of dextrose foods as well as a few levulose treats as well.

_Shepard deserves a snack to after coercing him out… _

She smiled as she heard the two gasps from around the corner and she knew she had done well.

At the sound of Shepard's gasp, Garrus looked up from where his eyes had been glued to their entwined hands, and once he managed to get his mandibles off the floor he managed to look down at the woman next to him.

"Did you…?"

She, shaking her head, eyes having trouble leaving the vast counter of food finally looked up at him.

"No…"

"Then who…?"

Then it hit them.

"Tali!"

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**Well that's all folks ... I promise I will update soon... already have half of the next chapter finished so ... shouldnt be too long**

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